How to know If you are in a toxic relationship

Few things can ruin your life faster than a toxic relationship. But most people hide their problems, so the signs of a toxic relationship tend to be hidden. That’s why in this post, we are going to talk about how to know if you are in a toxic relationship.

We will see five signs that indicate if you or someone close to you is in a toxic relationship, so you can change things before it ruins your life.

But remember, none of this means you should part immediately. Toxicity is just one aspect. These are just signs that you should get back to your healthy relationship or get out.

How to know If you are in a toxic relationship?

Use totalizing language in arguments
Feel compelled to gather evidence against your partner
Justifying an aggressive behavior as if it were a sign of love
Not really believing when the person shows that they are not compatible
Not knowing the issues that shaped your childhood experience of love

1. Use totalizing language in arguments

The first sign that things are getting toxic is using totalitarian language in conversations.

Words like, always, every time, never, express a totalitarian character. Depending on the context of the situation, they can be understandable signs that a relationship is becoming toxic.

For example, in a discussion, the use of this type of word refers more to what we are talking about, but if it is in a normal dialogue, not so much.

The problem with this language is that it is rarely true. People can be one way most of the time, but using terms like “always” or “never” is detracting from the positives and elevates the negatives. It makes the other person feel attacked and undervalued, which can turn a simple conversation into an exchange of personal attacks.

Therefore, when you or your partner do this, agree with them to talk about how you feel and what you would like rather than using absolute terms. That’s how you should deal with these types of offenses.

As an example, instead of saying, “it’s always me doing the dishes,” you could say, “I wash the dishes more often than I’d like.” When you talk about your feelings and what you would like to change, what you say is unlikely to generate an argument or heated debate.

This makes disagreements much more productive.

2. Feel compelled to gather evidence against your partner

If you want to understand how to know if you are in a toxic relationship, you might think about whether you feel obligated to present evidence against your partner to prove that he is wrong.

Maybe in your life, sometimes you are tempted to record a video to show your partner how he is not being reasonable. Or tempted to make a list of his mistakes to present to him when he makes them.

The problem with this option is that fact of being a clear indication that you don’t trust your partner to reflect on your behavior.

3. Justifying an aggressive behavior as if it were a sign of love

Sometimes men or women justify their aggressive behavior as just being a sign of love. When you say or allow someone to say things like that to you, you let dramatic craziness enter your relationship and potentially violent.

Because if drama, violence, and madness are considered forms of love, it means that this is what relationships should generate. Which is quite dangerous. But it’s a lot to believe that cruel and violent aggressive behavior is a sign that the person doesn’t love you.

That way, you learn not to tolerate this type of behavior and to value yourself. Unfortunately, this habit of using humor as an excuse to treat people is common.

4. Not really believing when the person shows that they are not compatible

Sometimes we believe in things that our partner tells us without him even implying it. People often believe that taking a maybe on something they need in a relationship is an act of love. They think they can see what the other person needs deep down.

But there’s a lot of arrogance involved in thinking you’ll be the one to tame the bad boy or inspire the happily single person to have a traditional family. You put yourself in the role of the savior with your special form of love.

The problem is that most of the time, the “maybe” doesn’t become a “yes.” And over time, those compatibility issues that you didn’t take seriously can become the biggest source of pain in your life.

So, take very seriously what someone says they want or don’t want at the beginning of a relationship. And if you want to make someone feel special, always be transparent and sincere about what you want.

5. Not knowing the issues that shaped your childhood experience of love

Let’s say a girl grows up in a home with a lot of conflicts to the point of violence. But when this conflict ends, one of the parents leaves. This could lead the child to assume that fighting is a necessary part of a relationship. Because as long as there are fights, there is no abandonment.

Another example is to imagine that a boy was born in a house where there is physical violence. He may think staying strong through this abuse is a show of love. Something he believes to be totally appropriate.

When two people in a relationship don’t heal from their childhood traumas in the love relationship, this can be a high indication that things are turning toxic.

Without realizing it, they likely create exactly the scenarios they say they don’t want. For they seek the love with which they are most familiar from childhood.

You may not have obvious major traumas in your childhood, but comparatively minor traumas can still cause dysfunction throughout your relationships. Therefore, the fact that you or your partner don’t know those childhood issues can help identify if you are in a toxic relationship.

Because these frustrations and unconscious problems will always find a way to express themselves in life. So, sometimes you need to be brave and realize your true self. Whatever the case, we all have unconscious rules around what love means, and we act by those patterns until we consciously heal them.

That’s why it’s important to explore these relationship dramas early in life, even if we think we don’t have any.